Mothers' Colors

What color and style of dresses do the mother of the bride and mother of groom wear for a formal wedding?

The mother of the bride should wear a color that blends and complements the bridesmaids' dresses, but does not match the exact color. Avoid all black or all white. The "mob" usually selects her dress first and then describes it to the mother of the groom, allowing enough time for her to shop. Both mothers can wear the same color, but not the same dress (preferably they should be the same style and length). For a very formal, large wedding before 6pm (over 200 guests): long or short dresses, not quite as formal as evening wear. For a formal wedding before 6pm (100 or more guests): elegant dresses or suits. In any event, both mothers should go with dresses that look good on them (color, figure size, personal sense of style, etc.) and they do not have to match.

Mixed Marriage

My fiance is Jewish and I am not. Any advice?

We have a daughter whose husband is Jewish and she is not. They structured the ceremony (in 1998) to include a bit of both traditions. Married under the canopy, breaking the glass, married by a rabbi (outside) etc. They now have two children and are doing wonderfully well and both families get along great.

It's important to discuss the role religion will play in your lives, now and when you have children. Our grandsons gets both the Jewish holidays and the Christian ones - although young, in a few years they will surely have religious questions that will need answers.

Now to the planning:

Start looking for an officiant who will perform interfaith marriages. Some Rabbi's will, but many will not. The Unitarian church is one place that will perform interfaith weddings for non-members and encourages couples to design a service that reflects both of their traditions. There are also numbers of "freelance" clergy who will perform this type of ceremony anywhere.

You could have an outside wedding somewhere which works well for mixed religions, or a civil ceremony in a public office.

You could choose one religious ceremony over the other, which could work if one of you has strong religious ties and the other doesn't. You could have a secondary cleric of your choice to offer a special prayer or offer a blessing during the service or reception.

If you both have strong religious beliefs (or your families do), you may want to have 2 ceremonies, or 1 main ceremony and then a "blessing of the marriage ceremony (the same day or shortly thereafter), similar to the first, but without the exchange of rings again.

Talk with both families about how they feel about various traditions in weddings that they feel strongly about. This could avoid problems when the time comes.

The Advice section of EZWeddingPlanner has a "Jewish Weddings topic that deals with lots of details of that side. There are also other topics here that may help you.

There are several good books that talk about inter-faith marriages - check them out at your local library - "The New Jewish Wedding" by Anita Diamant and there's one with ceremony details called "The Children of Noah" by Rabbi Rebecca Alpert, Rabbi Linda Holtzman and Arthur Waskow.

Good luck,

Memorial Candle

We would like to give a 12 year old daughter a family ring and we would also like to light a memorial candle. We don't have a clue on what to say or do. Please help.

I think it's very touching and a great gesture to give your daughter a family ring - it should help to make her feel a big part of this ceremony and family. If she is included in the wedding party, she would already be standing and close to both of you. After your ring ceremony, you could either have her move to stand by you or you both could walk to her for her ring ceremony. Or, if she is seated, the same choices hold true. Instead of the wording of "with this ring I thee wed" you could say something like "with this ring, we unite our family" or "as a symbol of our love for you, we give you this ring" or wording that expresses your desires in giving it to her.

As for the candle lighting, you could just light it without comment in the ceremony and then in the program print your sentiment. Or it could be read/spoken as you light the candle. Or the candle could be lit just before the ceremony and burn throughout. For my daughter's wedding, both her father and the groom's father have died. Here's what they printed on the back of their program: Our only regret for this day is that our fathers were not able to be physically present. They are both continually in our thoughts and we have honored them today by lighting two candles on the altar in their memory. They may have left our sides, but will always be present with us in our hearts.