Jewish Wedding

THOUGHTS ON THE JEWISH WEDDING

"There is no such thing as a 'generic' Jewish wedding – no matter what the rabbi tells you, no matter what your mother tells you, no matter what the caterer tells you." – Anita Diamant, from The Jewish Wedding

Make Friends with a Rabbi

In today's mobile society, many people are not in a position to avail themselves of a "family" rabbi. Finding a rabbi is not as difficult as one might think. Wherever there is at least one synagogue, the local rabbi, cantor or administrator can help you.

The most important thing is finding a rabbi with whom you can be comfortable. This will depend on the rabbi's role in your marriage plans.

If you want a simple marriage facilitator, that is one thing. But if you want your rabbi to be more than an agent of civil and religious authority with whom you have an impersonal relationship, you must look for a good fit.

A rabbi should be able to advise you on any facet of your wedding plans, even if you are looking for a calligrapher, caterer, or musician. Most importantly, your rabbi can be a guide in the establishment of the new "house" within the people Israel, with all the religious, ethnic and sociological aspects this entails.

Beware of Labels

Rabbis should be chosen on the basis of expertise and sensitivity. There are many fine rabbis who serve in different branches of the Jewish faith. Choose a rabbi, not a label.

Working with Your Rabbi

No subject you wish to discuss is taboo. Your rabbi, however, will be most concerned with the following:

1. Are both marriage partners born of Jewish mothers or properly converted to Judaism?

2. In case of a second marriage, the rabbi will want to know if a proper religious divorce has nullified the marriage.

3. Some rabbis will want to know if the marriage is of a type prohibited by Jewish Law.

4. The rabbi will want to advise the couple on acceptable wedding dates. Besides the Sabbath (sundown Friday to sundown Saturday), fast days, and holy days, there are approximately 10 weeks on the calendar when it is traditional not to marry (approximately mid-April to early June, and late July). Most weddings are on Saturday evening after sundown or on Sunday.

Note – Many rabbis will not take part in an interfaith marriage ceremony. This is not to be taken personally. Intermarriage is not recognized in traditional circles. As a rule, Orthodox and Conservative rabbis will not perform interfaith marriages. Some, but not all Reform clergy will participate in interfaith ceremonies.

A Jewish Wedding List

Jewish weddings can be held anywhere a simple Huppah (canopy) can be set up. Generally, the wedding is held where the reception/feast will follow. In addition, the following ceremonial items need to be provided:

• A drawn, witnessed marriage contract

• Two witnesses recognized by Jewish Law

• Two wine goblets

• Kosher wine

• A carefully wrapped glass (the groom will smash it with his left foot at the end of the ceremony.)

• A single, plain wedding band (which the groom will present to the bride in the course of the ceremony.)

• Enough skullcaps (Kippot) for the men in the wedding party and invited guests. In Conservative and Orthodox ceremonies, all the men are required to cover their heads with either yarmulkes or silk top hats. The women also cover their heads with hats or kerchiefs. Ask the rabbi of head-covering requirements in a Reform ceremony.

Note – Double ring ceremonies are not recognized in traditional circles. In all cases, do not be afraid to ask the rabbi what they will permit.

The Jewish Wedding in Action

You may choose to have a rabbi/cantor duo performing your wedding, where the cantor chants the wedding blessings. You may also divide the service between two rabbis.

Traditionally, the bride's guests sit on the right side and the groom's guests sit on the left side, as you face the altar. If one side has many more guests than the other, everyone may sit together. Grandparents and siblings sit in the first pews. If parents are divorced and remarried, their spouses sit in the second and third pews.

The wedding procession makes its way to the canopy where the rabbi usually waits. Both the bride's father and her mother escort her down the aisle (bride on father's right arm, her mother's left). In traditional weddings, the groom's parents escort him down the aisle. In simple weddings, it's optional for the groom's parents and the bride's mother to join the procession. Processional music is not a religious requirement.

In a formal procession the order is as follows:

• Rabbi and cantor (on Rabbi's right)
• Bride's grandparents
• Groom's grandparents
• Ushers in pairs by height
• Best man
• Groom and his parents
• Bridesmaids individually by height
• Honor attendant(s)
• Flower girl and ring bearer
• Bride and her parents

All parents and attendants remain standing under or at the side of the canopy throughout the ceremony. This intimacy and sense of community goes hand in hand with the "new house" that is being established under the wedding canopy.

In very traditional weddings, the bride circles her groom seven times as both mothers hold the train of her dress. In Hebrew Scripture it is written, "And when a man takes a wife" seven times. Seven is the number of completion - the number of days it took God to create the universe. Or, the bride may walk three times around her groom (the Bible mentions betrothal three times; a husband has three obligations to his wife - food, clothing, conjugal relations).

In a formal recessional the order is as follows:

• Bride and groom
• Bride's parents (mother on father's left arm)
• Groom's parents
• Flower girl and ring bearer (girl on boy's left)
• Honor attendant on best man's left arm
• Bridemaids on usher's left arms
• Rabbi and cantor (cantor on rabbi's left)

The Wedding Ceremony

The blessing of betrothal are recited, followed by a sip from the first cup of wine. Many holy acts in the Jewish faith are consecrated over wine.

The groom presents a plain ring to his bride and makes the following declaration:

"Be betrothed to me with this ring according to the law of Moses and Israel."

In Conservative and Orthodox ceremonies, the ring is placed on the bride's right index finger and in Reform ceremonies, the ring is placed on the bride's left ring finger.

In accepting this simple item of recognizable value in the presence of witnesses, the bride is betrothed to her husband. After the ceremony a more elaborate ring can be substituted.

Now the Ketubah (marriage contract certificate) is read aloud. In it a couple's mutual obligations under Jewish law are spelled out. It is signed by witnesses and not by the couple themselves. The rabbi then delivers his message and personal blessing to the couple.

The ceremony concludes with the recitation of seven wedding blessings, a sip from the second cup of wine and the breaking of a glass. The wine glass is wrapped in a cloth or handkerchief and placed on the ground. The groom stamps down and breaks the glass. The reason for this custom is based on the belief that as long as the world is not redeemed, there cannot be total joy. The shattering of glass is a recognition of the imperfection that exists in the world. It is also a symbol of our lives. Life is fragile like glass and whatever time is allotted to us must be used well. Some believe that it is also a reminder of the destruction of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, and of other calamities that befell the Jewish people that should not be forgotten, even during the joyous occasion of this wedding.

With the ceremony now complete, all somberness is banished from thought. On with the festivities!

Who Pays?

In the "good old days" the bride's family assumed all costs except the liquor, flowers and photography. Today, expenses are often negotiated. See the EZ Wedding Planner topic on Paying for Expenses for some suggestions.

Invitations

Inclusion of both sets of parents' names is standard. Often a facing page of Hebrew translation is incorporated. This requires a caligrapher or a printer with typesetting capabilities.

Jewish Sources

How-to-Books

Diamant, Anita, The Jewish Wedding. New York: Summit Books, 1985.

Siegel, Richard, Strassfeld, Sharon & Michael, Editors. The First Jewish Catalogue. Philadelphia: The Jewish Publication Society of America, 1973.

Directories of Goods & Services for the American Jewish Community

Strassfeld, Sharon & Michael, Editors. The Second Jewish Catalogue. Philadelphia: The Jewish Publication Society of America, 1976. (Features: "Yellow Pages" which are periodically updated.)

Tillem, Ivan, Editor. The Jewish Directory and Almanac. New York: Pacific Press, 1986.

Music Sources (send for catalogues)

Velvel Pasternak
Tara Publications
29 Derby Ave.
Cedarhurst, NY 11516

Transcontinental Music Publications
838 5^th Avenue
New York, NY 10021