Toasts - Who?

Do you have a list of who is supposed to do toasts at the reception, and what order they should go in? I am at a loss as far as this goes!

Traditionally, the best man makes the first reception toast to the bride and groom (after everyone has been poured a glass of champagne or other sparkling drink.) The groom rises, thanks the best man and then toasts his bride and both sets of parents. The maid of honor also toasts the couple. The bride can then make a toast, followed by parents, relatives, wedding party members and friends. This becomes pretty much open season after the first few toasts.

Toasts should be less than three minutes each, short and sincere. The person giving the toast should stand and the person(s) being toasted remain seated and do not raise their glass and drink to him/herself. Toast the person/people by name and mention your relationship to them. Don't be lewd, suggestive or rude.

Toasts - Samples

TOASTS

In a Nutshell

Traditionally, the best man makes the first reception toast to the bride and groom (after everyone has been poured a glass of champagne or other sparkling drink.) The groom rises, thanks the best man and then toasts his bride and both sets of parents. The bride can then make a toast, followed by parents, relatives, wedding party members and friends. This becomes pretty much open season after the first few toasts and not every one need give a toast. It can easily stop after the parent's toast.

Toasting should be done in a way that is most comfortable to you. You may remain seated, although if there is a large group, it will be easier for everyone to hear you if you stand. Don't mix toasts with other messages you might want to convey. Keep it simple.

Toasts should be less than three minutes each, short and sincere. In a large group, the person giving the toast should stand and the person(s) being toasted remain seated and do not raise their glass and drink to him/herself. Toast the person/people by name and mention your relationship to them. Make sure the toast you are delivering is appropriate for the group at hand. Don't be lewd, suggestive or rude.

Ten Helpful Steps to Toasting

1. Write the toast. This is your chance to honor the couple, so don't wait until the night before the wedding to think of what you're going to say. Even if you want to be spontaneous, it's good to have a toast written in case your mind goes blank. The toast should be short, sweet, and personal. A humorous quote or story can add a nice touch, just keep it tasteful. Anecdotes that involve nakedness, drunkenness, or ex-significant others of the couple could make the moment very awkward for yourself, the couple, and the guests!

2. Make notes. You might get flashbacks of making presentations in school, but putting notes on index cards really is a good idea, especially if you're not confident in your public speaking abilities. Don't write your entire speech out word-for-word...You don't want to spend the entirety of the toast staring at your index cards and sounding like a robot. Instead, include short quotes or key phrases like "Talk about meeting bride for first time, mention how comfortable they were with each other." The idea is for the note to jog your memory, but the actual wording should be off the top of your head, provided you follow the next step.

3. Practice your speech. Get a kitchen timer, a mirror, and an audience (any combination of people and stuffed animals will do, as long as they have eyes and can sit still like attentive wedding guests). Rehearse your speech in its entirety as if you were at the wedding. Modify your index cards as needed. Keep practicing until you feel at ease with the toast.

• Go through all the motions. Imagine where the audience is sitting, for example, and pretend to make gestures and eye contact in that direction.
• Insert strategic pauses to add emphasis. Doing so will also help prevent you from rushing through the speech.
• Keep your toast to around two minutes. If you find yourself talking quickly (which is likely if you're nervous) make a conscious effort to slow down.

4. Wait for your turn. Timing is everything. Chances are, you're not the only one who wants to make a toast. Your order in the line-up depends on your relationship to the bride and groom.

• In formal weddings, the toast is usually given after the meal. If the couple is cutting a wedding cake for dessert, the toast is given after the cutting but before dessert. But if it's a less formal or afternoon wedding, the toasting often takes place after the couple's first dance.
• If there is a toastmaster (which may be the case in a formal, traditional wedding), follow his or her cues. If there is no toastmaster, the best man might be expected to coordinate the toasts.
• One traditional order for toasts is as follows:
  • To the couple, by the father of the bride or an old friend of the family.
  • To the health of the bridesmaids, normally by the groom.
  • To the health of the parents of the couple, normally by the best man.
• More commonly, the best man gives the first toast, followed by the fathers, the groom, the bride, family friends, relatives, maid or matron of honor, the mothers and anyone else who would like to.

5. Stand up. Look around and check that all glasses (including yours) are full before making the toast. There should be wine, champagne, or something that looks like wine or champagne in your glass, as toasting with water is offensive in some cultures.

6. Raise your glass to the person you're toasting. While many people associate making a toast with tapping the side of your glass with a utensil, consider that you might damage fine crystal at a formal affair. To play it safe, say "I'd like to make a toast" in a firm voice and wait.

7. Announce your relationship to the couple. Some people at the wedding might not know who you are, so making this clear at the beginning will avoid any confusion. Bring your glass down as you start to speak, but continue holding it in one hand (unless you're holding both a microphone and notes).

8. Give the speech. Look at the person you're toasting to, but also shift eye contact towards the guests occasionally.

9. End the toast on a positive note. Include a formal indication to inform them of the ending of the toast and what to say next. For example: "Let us now toast the happiness of Jill and Jack. To Jill and Jack!" As you say this, wave your glass to all, then tip it towards the person you are toasting to, or clink their glass if you're close enough. Then clink your glass gently with those around you and sip (don't gulp or chug) your drink.

10. Sit down and wait for the next toast. If the person you toasted to offers a toast in response, remain seated and don't raise your glass; just say "Thank you", smile and sip your drink when they're done!

Tips

• Since weddings are as individual as the couples that have them, feel free to adjust your words and the toasting conventions to suit the occasion.
• Usually, the people in the wedding party are more familiar with one half of the newly married couple than the other. Try to get to know that other person as much as possible, and include something that relates to a unique aspect of both the bride and groom - something about their personality or their interests.
• The toast will certainly be colored by the lens you view the couple through, but check to be sure that the star in the toast is the couple (or at least the half of the couple you know) and not the person giving it.
• It can be tempting to do a short, sweet and generic toast. But the couple would probably like something a little more personal, otherwise it may seem like you didn't care about this duty, or that the couple isn't interesting enough to be the subject of a toast.
• Bring tissues if you think you may shed a few tears while you're speaking.
• At an inter-cultural wedding, learn about the cultures involved to make sure you don't say something that is completely inappropriate to a significant number of guests.
• Give thanks. Show gratitude to whoever is hosting the wedding, whether it's the parents of the bride or the couple themselves. E.g. "Thank you for welcoming us to this happy occasion, and sharing your joy with us today."
• Share an anecdote. Stories of how various parties met are always popular, whether you talk about how the bride and groom met or your first time meeting either of them. Here are some additional ideas:
  • The first time the bride or groom told you about meeting their partner.
  • The first time you realized these people were an important part of your life.
  • A time you got through something together, whether challenging or fun.
  • The story you are looking forward to telling their kids one day.
  • The way you have seen the bride or groom change for the better since they met.
  • When you're 90 and looking back, what would you say of your friendship?
  • Tell a story of some specific detail or action that exemplifies why this person is special in this world, and to you in particular.
  • If you were given three wishes for the couple, what would they be? Be careful with the use of clichés here. Don't use wishes you've heard before.
  • Tell about the time your friend saw you through an embarrassing moment. (Careful. Consider the audience).
  • If it's a second marriage and there are children involved, consider a toast referencing the newly created family.
• Offer a compliment. Say something nice about the person (or couple) you are toasting to. Although your intentions might be good, don't go on and on about how great a person is; instead, choose a few appreciate adjectives that go a long way (e.g. "he's generous, intelligent, and kind").
• End the toast on a positive note. Offer a wish, a traditional toast, or a blessing. Here are some ideas:
  • Here's to the groom, a man who keeps his head though he loses his heart.
  • May she share everything with her husband, including the housework.
  • My greatest wish for the two of you is that through the years your love for each other will so deepen and grow, that years from now you will look back on this day, your wedding day, as the day you loved each other the least.
  • May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse.
  • Here's to the groom with bride so fair, And here's to the bride with groom so rare!
  • May I see you grey, and combing your grandchildren's hair.
  • May you live each day like your last, and live each night like your first.
  • May you see each other through many dark days, and make all the rest a little brighter.
  • To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.
  • I would like to make a toast to lying, stealing, cheating and drinking. If you're going to lie, lie for a friend. If you're going to steal, steal a heart. If your going to cheat, cheat death. And if you're going to drink, drink with me.

Warnings

• Don't drink before you toast. Your speech should be spoken, not slurred.
• Speeches that dwell on how difficult marriage is, however realistic, can make it sound like the couple is doomed to fail.
• An audience will be very forgiving as long as your toast is heartfelt, decent, and relatively short. A TV commercial is only 30 seconds long. Only confident speakers should go longer than a minute and a half.
• Avoid inside jokes as well as other references which might be deemed inappropriate for the occasion.
• Do not use this event as a way to kick-start your comedy career. If you tell a joke and it bombs, finish up as quickly as possible.

Sample Best Man's Toast

It can be brief and sentimental ("Here's to the happiness of the couple close to us all - Mark and Susan.") or it can be more detailed and personal, amusing and anecdotal. Childhood, or friendship memories can be included.

Here's to Susan and Mark. I've been waiting to come to their wedding for some time, since I introduced them two years ago. May their lives be full of happiness like we are all enjoying here today.

Also see the Parents toasts (below), as some can also apply to best man toasts.

Sample Groom's Toast to Bride (or vice versa)

[Thank the best man for his toast], then: I toast you, Susan, for coming into my life and agreeing to share your life with me. And I toast, and thank your parents for welcoming me into their family, and for giving us this incredible wedding. I also toast my own parents and family for their support and love over the years. And I thank all of you for coming to share this day with us.

To my husband, the most wonderful man in the world. To my new family, with thanks for raising such a loving and supportive person. And to my parents, for all the love and strength they've given me over the years. May we all have many, many more memorable days together.

Because I love you truly,
Because you love me, too,
My very greatest happiness
Is sharing life with you.

To my wife,
My bride and joy.

Here's to the prettiest, here's to the wittiest,
Here's to the truest of all who are true,
Here's to the neatest one, here's to the sweetest one,
Here's to them all in one - here's to you.

I have known many,
liked quite a few,
Loved one -
Here's to You!

Here's to my mother-in-law's daughter,
Here's to her father-in-law's son;
And here's to the vows we've just taken,
And the life we've just begun.

Sample Parent's Toasts:

I'd like to toast Susan and Mark, and tell them how happy her mother and I are to be here today and celebrate their wedding. We feel that we are not losing a daughter, but gaining a son. Love and happiness to you both. And I'd like to thank everyone here for coming and sharing this day. Cheers!

"When children find true love,
parents find true joy."
Here's to your joy and ours,
from this day forward.

May you both live as long as you want, and may you never want as long as you live.

Here's to you both
a beautiful pair
on the eve (day)(beginning)
of your love affair.

May you always look forward with pleasure, and backward with no regrets.

Here's to the groom with bride so fair,
And here's to the bride with groom so rare!

Here's to the husband - and here's to the wife;
May they remain lovers for life.

May your wedding days be few and your anniversaries many.

To the newlyweds: May "for better or worse" be far better than worse.

Tissue Paper

I've heard this question so many times and no one seems to be sure of the answer. When mailing wedding invitations, what do you do with the tissue inside? Where does it go? And what about the gold sticker/seal - on inside envelope or outside mailing envelope?

Tissue paper is placed over the engraving or printing. Or, the tissue paper can be discarded and not used, as this is an old custom which was used to prevent smearing of ink. If the invitations contain several enclosures, the proper order of placement is as follows: The non-gummed envelope contains the invitation along with the other enclosures and is placed in the outer envelope so it faces the flap. Response cards are tucked inside the invitation and, if needed, include a map. Be sure it is a clear reproduction on good quality paper. This also belongs inside the invitation with the other enclosures. Enclosures can also be placed directly on top of the invitation, inside the inner envelope. If you have a gold sticker/seal it would go on the back of the outside envelope.

Tipping

Do you tip florist, DJ, photographer? If so, how much is normal?

General Tipping Suggestions:

Catering: There are package deals - get detailed list of what's included: sales tax, gratuities and bar fees etc.. These may greatly increase your wedding budget.

Caterer, Club manager, hotel banquet manager = 15-20% of the food & drink bill. Just 10% of the bill if there is also a maitre d'hotel. Reception host may be asked to pay the bill in advance. If not covered, the host or wedding consultant pays in an envelope during the reception.

Maitre d'hotel - 15 -20% of food & drink bill or $1.50 - $5.00 per guest. The reception host or wedding consultant pays in an envelope near the end of the reception.

Waiters, Waitresses, table captains - usually not tipped directly. Maitre d'hotel often divides his tip.

Bartenders 10% of the total liquor bill.

Powder room attendants $.50 - $1.00 per guest or arrange gratuity with hotel etc.

Parking attendants - same

Limousine drivers 15 -20% of total Limo bill.

Delivery truck drivers for florist, baker, etc. - $5.00 - $10.00 each

The reception host or wedding consultant offers in envelopes at the end of the reception.

Note: Hiring a D.J. will be less expensive than hiring live musicians. Most charge a set fee, amount should be specified as well as overtime rates, late arrival penalties etc., in your contract. Also allow for a tip at the end of the evening.

Clergy members usually receive a donation to the house of worship ($20.00 & up) ask church secretary or sexton - What is the suggested fee? If there are no payment guidelines, give the clergy member a gift.

Ask if fees for alter servers, sextons, cantors, choir, directors and organists are included in the church or synagogue fee; an additional gift or money amount may be appropriate.

[Answer compliments of Dianna Emerson, Bonne Foi Bridals & Weddings]

Luau Reception

We plan on having a luau theme reception, do you have any ideas?

You could serve pu pu platters of food, or have a pig roast or fish, or platters of fresh fruits like pineapple and mango, etc. Kabobs work well also, with pineapple and meat. Drinks could include mai tais or other tropical drinks with small umbrellas. You could rent some tiki torches and/or palm fronds for decorations and give out flower or shell leis as favors at each table. A fun conversation piece could also be an aquarium or gold fish bowls at each table, or shells and sand in bowls/trays/little sail boats. Music could carry the theme - Hawaiian or luau appropriate music.

You could include a note in the invitations, telling your guests its a luau and some may dress accordingly. If you want to go all out, you may be able to get lots of inexpensive grass skirts for your guests to wear over their clothes.

You could also hire some local dancers to perform a hula or other fire dances or stick dances, etc. (perhaps dance clubs or a local cultural center could suggest who would know these dances).

Bridal Lineup

I want to know about the procession and lineup of the bridal party. I have attended to a lot of weddings and some were not very organized. I just need a little help with the lineup and do's and do not's. Any suggestions will be helpful.

Generally the procession in Christian weddings goes as follows: Any grandparents are ushered in, then the groom's mother (with groom's father walking behind usher & mother), and then the bride's mother gets ushered in. She is the last person to be seated by an usher. If using a runner, this is then spooled out by ushers.

The officiant (minister or priest) takes his/her place, followed by the groom & best man (who usually enter from the chancel door) and stand facing the guests. The groom is next to the officiant and best man one step behind at an angle. The groomsmen then enter from the back of the church (or wedding site), in pairs, by height, with the shortest entering first. If there is an odd number, the shortest walks in first, alone. They leave three or four pews between them as they walk in. Or, if you prefer, all the groomsmen can enter together with the groom and line up at an angle, by height, shortest to tallest.

The bridesmaids walk down the aisle next, shortest to tallest. The maid of honor walks in after the last bridesmaid (so she stands next to the bride). Then the ring bearer and flower girl. As each reaches their place up front, they turn to their right and form a diagonal line from the bride and groom. The ring bearer and flower girl can stand at the altar if they are old enough or they can sit in the second or third pews with their parents during the ceremony if they can't stand still for long periods of time. They stand in front of the attendants if remaining by the altar.

Finally, the bride and her father (or escort) with the bride on her father's left arm. Pages if there are any, come last to carry the bride's train.

Jewish weddings have a different order (which included both the bride's parents walking her down the aisle and often also includes the groom's parents with the groom, all who stand with the bride and groom under the huppah during the ceremony.)

Then for the recession, the bride and groom leave first, followed by the flower girl and ring bearer. Then the bridesmaids and groomsmen walk in pairs down the aisle. Then ushers can escort the mothers of the couple and any other honored guests out. You can go directly to a receiving line for guests if you want (some do this at the reception), but at some time before you leave the church (or the wedding site), the bride and groom, maid of honor and best man and the officiant have to meet to sign the marriage license.

Lilies

My fiance and I would like to have a black and white wedding...I'd like to have a bold, large white flower with a long stem. Are lilies appropriate for a wedding, or should they be kept strictly a funeral flower. Please keep in mind, we are on a budget and may not be able to afford white roses. Thanks!

Lilies are fine. They are also used on Easter in Christian churches. You can click on the light bulb on the right side of Plan/Arrange for Flowers for a list of various seasonal flowers. Your florist can also suggest what may be available and at what prices.

Karaoke

We have the ballroom until 2am. We have a band but I am thinking of having Karaoke from 12am-2am after the band. Is this feasible? How long does the band usually need to break their equipment down and can the Karaoke get set up quickly, or do you think this is too much of a break in the festivities?

As far as the Karaoke goes, I would say it depends somewhat on your guest list. Generally, most middle aged to older guests would already be gone by midnight or be happy to wrap up the long day (especially if they have to drive any distance to get home). Younger guests may be happy to party all night. You may find that when the band stops playing and packs up that your guests will take the cue and leave also. The time needed to break down band equipment depends on the size of the band and the amount of equipment they have set up. There is probably not much involved in setting up for Karaoke - a microphone, a CD player & speakers (and someone assigned to change songs, etc.) You may even have some of this set up on the side, before the band starts, so you can be ready when they are through.

Grooms Guide

GROOMS GUIDE

Much has been written for and about brides and wedding etiquette, etc. Often times it is the bride and her family who do most of the planning for your wedding. But, as an involved groom, you can participate in the whole process. Your bride-to-be will surely appreciate any and all help you provide. The partnership skills developed between the two of you during this process will help you work as a team throughout your marriage. It's also important that you both discuss finances, budgets, expectations, and preferences early on in the planning process.

Many grooms (and brides) have asked us a variety of questions regarding wedding planning. Here is an attempt to consolidate these and other issues specifically involving the groom.

The Ring

Probably the first thing you do as a groom-to-be is propose and probably give your future spouse an engagement ring. This can be done in many different ways, places, and methods. Only your imagination will limit how you actually pop the question. This is something you and your fiancé will remember your whole lives, so be creative. Note that you do not necessarily have to have a ring to propose. Some brides prefer to be in on the selection process and some prefer to simply have a wedding ring and not wear an engagement ring at all. Selecting the rings together will ensure you are both happy with the choices. Your finances may also dictate the timing of purchasing rings.

Engagement rings can be any size, shape, gem, and price. If you want a traditional diamond ring, check with local jewelers, etc. for choices. There are 4 Cs - cut, color, clarity and carat. Most jewelers will recommend spending about two months' salary for a diamond engagement ring. But, some very beautiful rings can be had for much less (depending on the salary). You could spend anywhere from several hundred to many thousands of dollars. This depends purely on your choice and budget. There's no need to go broke on one of the first items in your wedding planning. See the extensive discussion on engagement rings for more details.

The Expenses

The next big thing is to discuss the wedding budget and size with the bride and her and your family, depending on who is going to pay the bills. Clearly define who is going to pay for what and how much. Then stick to it. There is no reason for anyone to go broke for a wedding. First let us say that in today's weddings, it is common for the bride and groom to help pay for expenses and if they are older and have been away from home for years, they may choose to pay for the whole wedding. A great way to keep track of the total budget and who is responsible for paying what is in the EZ Wedding Planner Budget.

That said, if the bride's parent(s) pay for the bulk and the budget goes down the older, traditional way, here's what the groom and/or his family would pay for.

• the bride's engagement and wedding rings
• an engagement party (family)
• a bachelor dinner
• the rehearsal dinner
• the groom's attire for the wedding (tux or suit)
• the attire for the groom's mother and father
• the bride's bouquet
• boutonnieres for the men in the wedding party
• corsages for the mothers and grandmothers
• the marriage license
• clergymember's or judge's fee
• a wedding gift for the bride
• a gift for each of the groom's attendants
• accommodations for any of the groom's attendants who have to travel from out-of-town
• honeymoon transportation (to airport, etc.)
• the complete honeymoon

The Attendants

One of the important decisions by the groom is selecting his best man and attendants/ushers. Rule of thumb is one usher for every 50 guests. You will then need to organize the attire they will wear (rented tuxes, etc. and go for fittings). Attire should be coordinated with the bride and the overall formality of your wedding. Generally, one of the duties of the best man is to return any rental clothing after the wedding. See Formal wear discussion below.

If you are asking friends/relatives who live far away, you should also provide for their lodging and perhaps help with other travel expenses. They, however pay for the cost of their wedding clothing.

The groom can also arrange for transportation to the ceremony and reception for the wedding party. Perhaps a limo. Coordinate this with the bride and the best man. See the discussion on transportation.

Some groom's have asked about the best man duties. Some can include:

• Organizing bachelor party (or dinner, which is optional).
• Paying for your own wedding attire.
• Helping groom dress for the ceremony.
• Making sure the groom, groomsmen and ushers are at the ceremony on time & dressed properly.
• Driving groom to ceremony if need be.
• Presenting envelopes (from the groom) with fees/tips for people like the officiant (just before or after ceremony).
• Carrying the brides' ring down the isle and handing it to the officiant.
• Signing the marriage license, along with the maid of honor, as a legal witness.
• Giving the first toast to the couple at the reception and reading aloud any congratulatory telegrams.
• Dancing with the bride after the groom and fathers have danced with her.
• Driving the couple to the airport or hotel if they need a ride on the way to their honeymoon.
• Taking care of any tickets, keys, etc. the groom may need later.
• Organizing the return of all rented formal wear.

The Formal Wear

While you can certainly get married in a suit you already own, some other dressy clothing, a military uniform or cultural clothing like a kilt, most grooms choose to wear something more formal, i.e., a tuxedo with all the trimmings. They can be single or double breasted. You can buy your own if you think you will have lots of occasions to wear a tux, but most grooms and attendants rent them. If you want everyone to match, and if a groomsman will wear his own tuxedo, the shirts and accessories should all be rented, since colors, styles, ties, studs and cuff links will vary. The groom/groomsmen clothing should match the formality of the wedding and the time of day of the wedding/reception. For instance, morning, daytime or early afternoon weddings may call for a cutaway or stroller jacket and striped pants instead of a traditional tuxedo.

A good men's formal wear store is usually the best place to rent your wedding clothing, because they have large selections and sizes, can do quick alterations and can recommend appropriate attire for your situation (time of day and formality). The groom and groomsmen should be measured for formal wear three months before the wedding. It's best to rent all clothing from the same store. Most stores you rent from will provide postcards with the brand name and style number of the tuxedo included for out-of-town men. Then, these attendants can visit their local formal wear store for measurements using the same brand jacket (most stores are happy to do this) and send the card to the appropriate formal wear store. Then, they should arrive a few days before the wedding and go to the tux store for fittings to allow time for final alterations. Jacket sleeve length and pant length are always altered. In general, the wedding clothing should be picked up 2-3 days before the wedding and everyone should try them on and be sure all accessories are accounted for. The rented tuxedos are a package deal, which means you get all the clothing and accessories for one price. Ask about other "specials", like rent six and get the groom's free or other such deals.

In formal weddings, everyone, including the fathers, wears the same formal wear. The accessories are what differentiate the groom and perhaps the best man from the rest of the bridal party. The groom can wear a different color or fabric on the cummerbunds, vests, suspenders and/or bow tie. He can also wear a hat, carry a cane or even wear a cape. The groom's cummerbund or vest might match the trim on the bride's gown, especially if there is rich embroidery. The pleats of a cummerbund always are worn facing up. A popular option is a colorful solid or patterned vest, which can also be bought as gifts, so the groomsmen can wear them again after your wedding. Some choose to have the tuxedos match, but all the vests be of a different design (they can be the same color), chosen by each groomsman to fit their personality.

The best man and groomsmen (and ushers) wear the same flowers in their left lapels. The groom's may be a different variety or color. Or, instead of a boutonniere, you may prefer to tuck a pocket square in the jacket's left breast pocket.

Formal shoes should always be worn with a tuxedo; heavy business shoes are not appropriate. Shoes may also be rented with the tuxes. Formal shoes are sleeker, lighter and generally a plain slip-on black. Socks should match the color of the trousers.

The shirt is traditionally pleated with a tuxedo, although there are also plain white, with or without the need for cuff links. Allow one-half to one inch of shirt sleeve to show beneath the sleeve of the jacket. Shirts can close with a stud or buttons, and the cuff links may match the stud or have some other design that suits the wearer's personality. The collars can be wing, lay-down or stand-up. All are paired with a bow tie or ascot, except the mandarin-collar which has a jeweled-button closure.

Have each attendant come into the store to check the fit of his formalwear and all accessories. You can do this all together or separately, as they have time. The shirts should hug the neck and if it's too tight, ask for a color extender. Pants should touch the top of shoes and break once about 5 inches above the ankle. They should be hemmed, never cuffed. Waistbands are generally adjustable. Jackets should fit snugly, yet have room to move comfortably with no bulges or buckled lapels. Jacket sleeves should end at the wrist bone and each have the same number of buttons. Be sure to check all rented clothing for stains, fabric snags, holes, or other damage before leaving the store. Then appoint an attendant (generally the best man) to return all formal wear to the store on time. This is usually done the first working day after the wedding. There is generally a penalty for late returns and perhaps an extra charge if the clothing is damaged or seriously stained (blood, grease, etc.). Most other food and drink stains, sweat, etc. can be dry-cleaned out and are considered normal wear. Be sure any deposits left are returned/refunded.

The Gifts You Need to Buy

The groom should give a gift to each of his groomsmen. It's traditional to provide identical items to each, however the best man gets something extra special. And a ring bearer might need something less sophisticated than the other men. Some suggestions include: cuff links, tie clip or tac, desk accessories or name plate, leather or gold engraved business card holders, pen/pencil sets, letter opener, key ring, engraved picture frames, beer mugs, shot glasses, money clips, belt or wallet, etc. Or, things they can use up but are fun like: sports or concert tickets, restaurant gift certificates, movie theater or video rental certificates.

Some people have the groomsmen also usher people into the church, in which case the above ideas apply. Some people have separate ushers whose only job is to usher people into/out of the church and are not also groomsmen. They should also be given some token gift which can be smaller/less expensive than the groomsmen gifts if you like. Some of the above may apply, or perhaps cigars if they are smokers, perhaps a framed picture of the wedding party with them in it, or if nothing else, a boutonniere for their lapel and a thank you card later expressing your gratitude.

The groom also generally gives the bride a gift. Besides the obvious engagement and wedding rings, other gifts often include: engraved wristwatch, pocket watch, pearls, gold bracelet, necklace or earrings, locket, cuff links, jewelry box, money clip, two champagne flutes, a scrapbook filled with relationship and courtship mementos and photos, wallet, camera, leather passport holders, luggage, or music box. Some untraditional gifts can include season tickets to a favorite sporting event or to the theater or concerts, health club membership, sports equipment like skis or bicycle, etc.

The Guests

Both you and your bride (and perhaps her family if they are paying) need to decide on the number of guests who will be invited to the wedding/reception. Then, you can decide on how many will be invited from the groom's side (family and friends). Guest numbers may be limited by the size of the reception facility. Once this is done, you need to compile the names and addresses of all the guests you will be inviting. This can be done with your parents also. One easy way to keep track of guests on both the bride and groom's side is to enter them in EZ Wedding Planner. This keeps track of the number invited and attending by bride and groom designations.

If the number of guests is greatly uneven (one side having many more than the other), you may want to make adjustments on who is paying for what at the reception. That is, if the bride's parents are paying for the reception and her side has 20 guests and yours has 150, you and/or your family will probably want to help pay for reception expenses.

Another job the groom can help with is traffic control. Directions/maps should be provided to the ceremony and reception site(s). They can be included in the same envelope with the invitations. If either are held at a private residence, parking may be an issue. If shuttle buses or other mass transit are required, the groom can coordinate this.

If either of you have out-of-town guests, you can arrange for a block of rooms to be reserved. Coordinate this with the bride and perhaps the reception site if it is in or near a hotel.

Help the bride in writing thank you notes to your guests for the gifts you receive. Personal, hand-written notes are essential. Your guests took the time and thought to give you the gifts, so you take the time to thank them in a timely manner.

The Bachelor Party

Today, many grooms are opting out of the drinking/naked women version of the bachelor party. Instead, many go for camaraderie, like a sporting event, a golf weekend, or a black-tie only dinner in an elegant restaurant. Some have also opted to have a Jack and Jill celebration which includes both men and women. The bachelor party is usually hosted by the men in the wedding party, however if they do not live where the wedding will be held, or cannot afford to host it, the groom can decide to handle the event.

The Rehearsal Dinner

Generally, the rehearsal dinner is the given by the groom's family. If space and/or finances are limited, only the members of the wedding party need to be invited. But, the guest list usually includes your attendants and the spouses of married attendants (or live-in partners), the immediate family on both sides (parents and siblings and their partners), parents of children in the wedding (young children are optional), and the officiant and his/her spouse. Most people also include out-of-town guests arriving for the wedding (or plan some other function for them to attend the night before the wedding). If you want to expand it, you can include grandparents and special aunts/uncles too. The purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to have an opportunity to visit and relax with those closest to the bride and groom, so you can decide how many people that includes. It can be anywhere from a formal sit-down dinner to an informal buffet, or a backyard barbecue or lasagna party. This is also the occasion where most bridal couples give the gifts to their attendants.

The Marriage License Check the requirements in your state (or in the location where you will be married, if different). They vary by state and some require blood tests and waiting periods. In most cases, you will both need to be present to apply and get the marriage license. See the discussion on licenses for more detail.

The Ceremony

Check all last-minute details with your groomsmen and family. Give the best man any envelopes for payment to the officiant, etc. after the service. Also give the best man the bride's wedding ring to present at the ceremony. Go over any special seating arrangements for family members or others with the ushers. Double check that you have the marriage license (to be signed after the ceremony by the officiant and your witnesses).

The Honeymoon

Discuss with your fiancé where (and perhaps when) you should go on a honeymoon. Again, budget may be an issue. The groom generally pays for the entire honeymoon. Then, get busy with the arrangements. If going out-of-the-country, you both may need passports and/or visas and shots, etc., so plan ahead. Check with a number of travel agents for special, honeymoon packages at your destination. If renting a car at your destination, find out ahead if there are any restrictions (age, credit card payments, etc.). Some rental car companies will not rent cars to people under a certain age. Arrange for traveler's checks and find out about ATM machines at your destination. See the honeymoon discussion for more tips.

This information is courtesy of http://www.ezweddingplanner.com

Catering Do It Yourself

CATERING - DO IT YOURSELF

Here are some suggestions on food to serve 50 people. If you have more or less, scale these numbers to fit the amount of guests you are serving. This information and these numbers are courtesy of Byerly's in Minnesota and the Byerly's Culinary Specialists. Byerly's also makes excellent wedding cakes. Condiments Catsup 66 (1 tbsp.) servings 1 (40 oz.) bottle Mayonnaise 64 (1 tbsp.) servings 1 Quart Mustard 51 (1 tsp.) servings 1 (9 oz.) jar Entrees Beef (boneless Top Round for roasting and slicing)   Meal 20 lbs.   reception 12-15 lbs. Ham (boneless-cooked   meal (4 oz. serving) 12 lbs.   reception (2-3 oz. serving) 7-9 lbs. Combination for reception   Ham/cold cuts (2 oz. serving) 6 lbs.   Cheese (1 oz serving) 3 lbs. Chicken Salad   luncheon (1 cup serving) 3 gal. 1 pt.   reception (1/2 cup serving) 1 1/2 - 2 gal. Open Face Sandwiches 12 doz. Accompaniments Crackers (2 crackers each) 2 lbs. Rolls (1 1/2 each) 6 doz. Baked Beans (1/2 cup serving) 1 1/2 - 2 gal. Cole Slaw (1/2 cup serving) 1 1/2 - 2 gal. Potato Salad (1/2 cup serving) 1 1/2 - 2 gal. Potato Chips (1 oz. serving) 3 lbs. Miscellaneous Butter 1 - 1 1/2 lbs Dip for Veggies (1-2 tbsp. serving) 1-2 qts. Ice Cream (1/2 cup serving) 2 gal.        40 (1/2 cup serving) 1 gal. + 1 qt. pail Mints: pillows 1 lb.        wafer 1 1/2 lb. Mixed Nuts 1 1/2 lb. Olives or Pickles 2 qts. Sugar Cubes (1 cube) 1 lb. box (108-126 cubes) Beverages Coffee   1 lb. ground coffee = 50 (6 oz.) servings   2 cups percolator grind coffee = 30 (6 oz.) servings   4 cups = 55-60 (6 oz.) servings Cream for Coffee   1 qt. = 62 (1 tbsp.) servings Ice   1 (5 lb.) bag = about 10 people Mineral Water   5 (16 oz.) bottles = 10 servings Punch   1 1/2 gal. = 48 (4 oz.) servings   1 gal. = 20 (6 oz.) servings Soft Drinks   2 liter bottle or 6 pack = 11 (6 oz.) servings Wine   1 (750 ml.) wine bottle = 6 (4 oz.) glasses   1 liter alcohol = 22 (1 1/2 oz.) drinks   1 (1.5 liter) wine bottle = 12 (4 oz.) glasses   1 bottle champagne = 6 flute or 7 saucer glasses   Magnum Champagne = 12 (4 oz.) glasses   1 case of champagne = 72 drinks All-Time Favorite Veggie Platters Prepare fresh vegetables the day before the party. Arrange in food storage bags, add several ice cubes; seal bag. Store bags in refrigerator vegetable crisper. A few hours before serving, live pretty shallow baskets with plastic wrap, cover with leaf lettuce or purple kale. Arrange veggies on lettuce, cover tightly with plastic wrap and refrigerate until serving time. Raw Veggie Favorites Wash and cut vegetables in desired shapes and sizes. Allow 4-8 pieces per person, depending on occasion and type of use (appetizer, salad, relish). * For a bright green color, these vegetables may be blanched. Plunge into boiling water, start counting time immediately. Blanch 2 minutes; immediately plunge into ice water. Drain; pat dry with paper towels. Vegetable Approximate Yield Asparagus*, 1 lb 30-35 spears Bell pepper, 7 oz. (1) 24 - 3 1/2 x 1/2" sticks Broccoli, 2 3/4 lbs. 45 - 1 1/4" florets Broccoli-Wokly, 1 lb. bag 40 florets Carrots, 1 lb. 65 - 3 1/2" sticks Baby-cut carrots, 1 lb. About 40 Cauliflower, 4 3/4 lbs. 75 - 1 1/4" florets Cauliettes, 1 lb. bag 17-20 florets Celery, 1 3/4 lbs. 100 - 4x 1/2" sticks Cherry tomatoes, 1 pt. 25 - 1" tomatoes Cucumber, 1 3/4 lb. (2) 45 - 4 x 3/4" spears, seeded Jicama, 1 1/4 lbs. 40 - 4 x 1/2" sticks, peeled Mushrooms, 1 lb. 20 whole, 1 1/2 - 2" caps Pea pods*, 1/4 lb. 30 pods Zucchini, 1 1/4 lbs. (three 6") 35 - 1/2" slices, unpeeled Sweet mini peppers, 1 dry pt. 18 peppers Dip, 1 - 2 Qts. 50 (1-2 tbsp.) servings All-Time Favorite Fruit Platters For the fruit platter, cut and slice fruits the night before; except for the strawberries, which are washed just before serving. Fruit chunks can be stored in individual, air tight containers or plastic food storage bags. Arrange on the platter early on the day of the party. If time is short, select three fruits for a fruit platter. Cover tightly with plastic wrap and refrigerate until serving time. Fruit Platter Recipe An attractive arrangement of fresh fruit. With a large knife, cut pineapple into fourths from base through greet top. Remove core and loosen pineapple from shell using a grapefruit or paring knife. Slice each quarter into 5 triangular shape wedges; cut down center to make 10 wedges leaving them in place in shell. Place a frilly cocktail pick in each chunk. Peel and cut melons into chunks. Snip grapes into clusters. Leave strawberries whole, stems on. Arrange fruit in interesting design on large platter. Serves 25. Fruit Approximate Yield 1 (3-4 lb.) pineapple = 40 triangular shape chunks 1 (4 lb.) cantaloupe = 36 chunks 1 (2 lb.) honeydew = 36 chunks 1 (4-5 lb.) watermelon piece = 48 chunks 1 lb. seedless green grapes = 12-15 clusters 1 lb. seedless red grapes = 12-15 clusters 1 lb. strawberries =20-25 large berries Watermelon Bowl Serve from an informal watermelon boat (see below) or a crystal bowl for more formal occasions. Select a variety of fruits. Clear fragile fruit such as berries the day of serving; use these fruits near top of bowl and as garnish as they crush easily. Allow 1/2 cup prepared fruit per person for receptions and teas; 3/4 cup per person for buffet meals. Prepare total fruit needed; refrigerate. Replenish serving container as needed.   12 servings 25 servings 50 servings 100 servings 1/2 cup serving prepared fruit 6 cups 13 cups 25 cups 50 cups 3/4 cup serving prepared fruit 9 cups 19 cups 38 cups 75 cups Fruit Approximate Yield 1 (18 1/2 lb.) watermelon 16 cups 1 (4 lb.) pineapple 5 cups 1 (3 lb.) honeydew or cantaloupe 4 cups 1 lb. strawberries 4 cups 1 lb. Tokay grapes 3 cups 1 lb. green grapes 2 cups 1 pt. blueberries or raspberries 2 cups 1 (3 oz.) kiwi fruit 1/2 cup or 12 (1/8") slices To Prepare Watermelon Boat Cut thin slice from bottom of melon so it will rest flat. Using a cardboard guide of a 1 1/2" scallop, draw scallop design about 1/3 of the way down from top of melon. Cut out scallops with paring knife; remove top section. Cut out melon into balls or wedges; leave shell 1" thick. Can be done ahead; wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate. Fill just before serving. Some Purchase Pointers Some amounts listed above are in gallons. When purchasing an item from the deli, amounts will translate this way: 1 pt. = 1 lb. = Serves 2-3 1 qt. - 2 lbs. = Serves 4-6 1/2 gal. = 4 lbs. = Serves 10-12 1 gal. = 8 lbs. = Serves 20-25 Bakery Cakes 1/4 sheet = 24 (2x2") pieces 1/2 sheet = 48 (2x2" pieces) Full sheet = 96 (2x2" pieces) Cheese 1/4 lb., shredded = 1 (4 oz.) pkg. = 1 cup 1/2 lb., shredded = 1 (8 oz.) pkg. = 2 cups 3/4 lb., shredded = 1 (12 oz.) pkg = 3 cups 1 lb., shredded = 1 (16 oz.) pkg. = 4 cups Deli Cocktail Wieners 1 lb. = 25 pieces Meatballs 1 lb. = 25 meatballs Meats 1 lb. shaved cooked ham, turkey, roast beef = approx. 4 cups. &. fills 14-16 cocktail buns or 10-12 turkey buns   1 lb. shaved (1/16") cooked ham, turkey, roast beef = approx. 15-16 (1 oz.) slices fills 5 regular sandwiches or 10 turkey buns Poultry 3 lbs. chicken breasts with ribs, split = 4 - 4 1/2 cups cooked and cubed 3 lbs. whole boneless chicken breasts = 5-6 cups cooked and cubed 1 (5 lb.) chicken = 4 cups cooked and cubed 1 (10-12 lb.) turkey = 14 cups cooked and cubed 1 (16-18 lb.) turkey = 20 cups cooked and cubed 1 (18-20 lb.) turkey = 23 cups cooked and cubed 1 (6 1/4 lb.) turkey breast = 10 cups cooked and cubed Sandwiches from Byerly's Deli Hoagie Sandwich = 3 servings per foot (two foot minimum, up to six feet) Focaccia Sandwich = 6-12 servings Sandwich Loaves = 12 servings Vegetables Cabbage 1 (2 lb.) head = 8 cups, shredded Potatoes for Salad* 5 lbs. = 25 servings   10 lbs = 50 servings   20 lbs = 100 servings   *Depends somewhat on amounts of other ingredients.   3 lbs. boiling potatoes (7-8 large) = 8 cups cooked and cubed.

Bride's Hair

I want to wear my hair down falling past my shoulders. What is the best veil for that. My wedding dress is going to be simply decorated with a train.

Probably a chapel-length or fingertip veil would work the best. Since the dress is simple, the headpiece may be decorated with lace, flowers, pearls, beading, or whatever you want that will complement the dress. Try them both on at the same time to refine your look. Also see the Great Ideas article on Hair in EZ Wedding Planner, which details hair styles, veils and headpieces.

Second Marriage Color

What is the traditionally correct color for a bride to wear for her second marriage?

Any color is fine, including white which is a symbol of joy. You could also go for ivory, pastels, silvery gray, mauve, etc. Just do without the long train and veil, which are generally reserved for first time weddings. Flowers, a tiara, a hat, etc. or nothing at all will work best for second timers. The time of day and formality of the wedding can dictate the length of the dress, but really any length you prefer is also fine. Many second time brides go for dresses with beading or embroidery or a suit with long skirt and jacket instead of the lace and ruffles. Bottom line is wear whatever you are comfortable with.

Some Second Marriage Books of Interest  Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts   Happily Remarried: Making Decisions Together * Blending Families Successfully * Building a Love That Will Last   Making Your Second Marriage a First-Class Success   I Do Again: How We Found a Second Chance at Our Marriage--and You Can Too   Estate Planning for Blended Families: Providing for Your Spouse & Children in a Second Marriage   The Second Wives' Club: Secrets for Becoming Lovers for Life

Vows - Writing your own

Vows - Writing Your Own

If you would like to write your own vows, you should first meet with your Officiant to find out what must be legally kept in the ceremony, and what can be written by you. It is a good idea to make a list of what you would both like to say to your family and friends about your relationship and future life together, your hopes and dreams. You may want to say something about your feelings for each other, your views on commitment and trust, or simply read a poem. Couples often find that their own words can be more meaningful than traditional vows. Some couples feel that the traditional vows are chauvinistic, and because of this, reciting these vows may be inappropriate if you have strong views on equality. Such couples are frequently omitting the word "obey" from their vows. Instead, they substitute such words as: "I promise to love you, comfort and encourage you, to be open and honest with you, and stay with you as long as we both shall live" Name, today we make a commitment to one another. I want you to know that you are a precious gift and that you bring so much joy into my life. I affirm the special bond between us, and promise to keep it alive always. I promise to be your confidante, your best friend and to share in your hopes and dreams. In recognition of this, I, Name, take you, Name, to be my wife/husband. With this vow we face new responsibilities together. I will be trustworthy as your wife/husband, and to love you in all circumstances. I take you Name to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and, in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, and thereto I pledge you my faith and love. I take you Name, to be my wife/husband from this day forward, to join with you and share all that is to come, and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us. I take you Name to be my wedded wife/husband. I pledge that I will love you and tenderly care for you in sickness and in health, when life is peaceful and when it is in disorder. I will honor your goals and your dreams, and help you to realize them. And I vow to share my life with you through the best and worst of what is to come. I take you Name to be my wedded wife/husband. I promise to be faithful to you, to give and to receive, to care and console, to inspire and respond, loving you now, but even more in your growing and becoming. I will love you when we are together and when we are apart, when life is peaceful and in disorder, when I am proud of you and when I am disappointed in you, in times of leisure and in times of work. I will honor goals and dreams, and help you to realize them. I will be open and honest with you, and join with you in seeking the fulfillment of our lives with God as my help. I take you Name to be my wedded wife/husband, and these things I promise you: I will respect, trust, help, and care for you; I will share my life with you; I will forgive you as we have been forgiven; and I will try with you better to understand ourselves, the world, and God; through the best and the worst of what is to come as long as we live. Name, I take you as my wife/husband. I pledge to share my life openly with you, to speak the truth to you in love. I promise to honor and tenderly care for you, to cherish and encourage your own fulfillment as an individual through all the changes of our lives. I Name promise to love and cherish you Name, to give you my strength, to help you in good times and bad, to respect our individuality, to make our home one of love and understanding. I give you all of my trust, all of my tomorrows, all of my life. In the name of God, I Name, take you Name, to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.

How to write a thank you note

How to write a thank you note

The construction of a thank you note is simple and here are the elements: The salutation: "Dear Uncle Jerome and Aunt Mildred" The thanks: "Thank you for the wonderful new car." The usefulness: "We will have years thinking of you as we run around in our shiny new car ... we really needed it at this point in our lives. The old junker was at the end of its road." The relationship: "I remember how fun it was to sit in your lap at the lake and hear your stories of olden times. And we can't wait to see you in our new home. You both are so special to us." Say it again: "Thank you for being so thoughtful and kind today and always." The signature: "Love, Sally and David" Do NOT include anything else about your busy life. This is a thank you note, not a letter or a catch-up. IMPORTANT: Do not email or IM this. It must be handwritten on paper and placed in a handwritten addressed envelope and mailed (yes, post office mail) with a stamp. Not a tradition in your family? Make it one of yours. It shows you have class, courtesy and good taste. Everyone forgets emails. No one forgets the written note that arrives in the mail with love. Getting bored writing the same words in each thank you note? Well try some other fun descriptions like: Instead of 'really' or 'very', how about: wonderfully, positively, appropriately, magnificently, perfectly, exceptionally, uncommonly, especially, rarely, exceedingly, truly, certainly, unusually, greatly, intensely, or completely. Instead of 'pretty', how about: beautiful, godsend, graceful, superb, serene, radiant, attractive, elegant, exquisite, perfect, handsome, lovely, comely, gorgeous, smashing, fine, super, matchless, best ever, distinctive, thoughtful, helpful, useful, or magnificent. 'Nice' is such a non-descriptive word - how about: pleasant, superior quality, admirable, wonderful, agreeable, careful, excellent, just right, delicate, particular fine, good, great, inviting, thoughtful, delightful, considerate, refined, blessing, jewel, pride and joy, accurate, exact, subtle, spiffy, topnotch, heaven-sent, praiseworthy, treasured, gem, peachy, or humdinger.

Origins and Customs

ORIGINS AND CUSTOMS

Origin of the Engagement and Wedding Rings

The ring as a symbol of marriage may have evolved from an African custom where the bride and groom's wrists were tied together with grass during the ceremony. And when grooms negotiated purchase of their brides, they often gave metal rings as partial payment. Eventually, the more precious the metal the wealthier the groom. In ancient Egypt before coins were minted, gold rings were used as currency. To show he trusted his wife with his money, the Egyptian husband placed one of these rings on her finger. The ancients thought that love traveled to the heart in the vein of the third finger of the left hand. To this day, that is still the finger on which the wedding ring is worn. To them, the circle indicated eternity and the iron symbolized lastingness. In any case, the bride received just one ring–upon her engagement. Then, in 1215 the Pope declared a longer waiting period between betrothal and the marriage. So, a second ring, the wedding ring, was placed on the bride's finger during the ceremony when she finally wed.

Another interesting legend is the ring ceremony. During the ceremony the ring was placed on the open Bible. The clergyman then sprinkled it with holy water and blessed it. Then the groom picked it up with his right hand and placed it on the bride's thumb, saying, "In the name of the Father." He then transferred it to the first finger, saying, "And of the Son." Next he changed it to the second finger as he said, "And of the Holy Ghost." Finally he placed it on her finger with "Amen." It did not seem to matter whether the ring was placed on the bride's right or left hand. Sometimes it was placed on the right hand at the espousal and on the left at the wedding ceremony.

Origin of the White Bridal Gown

In early Saxon days and through the 18^th century, it was the poorer bride who came to her wedding dressed in a plain white robe. This was in the nature of a public statement that she brought nothing with her to her marriage and that therefore her husband was not responsible for her debts. Other brides simply wore their Sunday best. Red was a favorite during the Middle Ages in Europe. Icelandic brides chose black velvet. Colors were chosen for their symbolism as well as for preference. Blue meant constancy; green meant youth. Yellow signified jealousy and therefore was never worn. The brides of ancient Israel wore a blue ribbon on the shoulders of their robes to symbolize purity, fidelity and love. Over the years, the meaning of a white dress symbolized purity. Today, white merely symbolizes the wedding itself–and can be worn by anyone, including the second-time and re-affirming bride.

Origin of the Bridal Veil

In Far Eastern countries, people believed that wicked spirits were especially attracted to women. So, as protection from the Evil Eye, women always wore veils. The custom continued although the feeling behind it changed with time into a role of modesty and obedience. From this the veil developed into a symbol of chastity. Then it became the sign of submission of women.

The introduction of the veil into Europe came through returning Crusaders. In early wedding traditions in Europe, the bride was bargained for through her father, was swathed in a bridal veil, and revealed to her mate after the ceremony!

In early centuries, Hebrew, Greek and Roman brides wore veils of many colors, and veils threaded with gold and silver. In Southern Europe, early Christians placed a large cloth over both the bride and groom. In Anglo-Saxon times, the bride wore her hair hanging loose as part of the wedding ritual. The Chinese held a sacred umbrella over the bride's head. Around 1500 in Europe, there was a fashionable conical headdress topped with a veil that hung to the toes. Each era has revealed a different style for the bridal veil.

Nellie Custis was the first American woman to wear a long, white veil of lace when she married Lawrence Lewis, an aide to President Washington. Nellie chose lace because the Major had once glimpsed her face through the lace curtains of an open window–and then afterwards he couldn't stop telling her how beautiful she had looked!

The veil has traditionally stood for youth and virginity.

Origin of Throwing Rice, Old Shoes, Etc.

In the days when people lived off the land, their existence depended upon having a good harvest and enough children to help with all the work. Primitive people believed the bride and groom spread good luck on their wedding day. Anyone or anything that touched them would also be lucky. So they showered the couple with ripe grain or nuts, wishing a large harvest for themselves and a large family for the newlyweds. The throwing of grain seemed to symbolize good luck, fertility or abundance. To this day, wedding guests throw rice, grain, confetti, birdseed, etc.

Among the ancient Assyrians and Jews, when a bargain was made, a man gave his sandal as an indication of good faith. A shoe was the symbol of authority. When the Anglo-Saxons hurled a shoe, it indicated that authority had been transferred. Some authorities believe that the throwing of a shoe can be traced back to the missiles which the bride's father hurled at the robber caveman.

Origin of Flowers for the Wedding Party

Throughout history, most celebrations of weddings used flowers in some way. Almost every country has its own traditions and symbolism concerning flowers.

Customs associate the orange blossom most closely with the wedding ceremony. The wearing of a wreath of orange blossoms as a crown over the bridal veil was a Saracen custom introduced by returning Crusaders. Orange blossoms were so expensive that only the wealthy could afford them and poorer brides resorted to artificial ones. A "kissing knot" of croton leaves and rosemary was hung over the bridal couple in Elizabethan England. In Sweden it was believed necessary to put chives, garlic or rosemary in the bride's bouquet to keep the dwarfs from bothering her on her wedding day. In Poland it was believed that to sprinkle the bride's bouquet with sugar would keep her temper sweet. In Rome, roses and marigolds were used to decorate the bride's home. Below are some "meanings" associated with certain flowers:

Apple blossoms or quince blossoms–better things to come
Clematis–love vine
Ivy–gold luck
Rosebud–a promise
Myrtle–lover's flower
Laurel–peace
Tulips–infidelity
Yellow flowers of any kind–jealousy
Orange blossoms–fertility
Heather and sweet basil–fortune
Baby's breath–fertility
Cabbage roses–richness of spirit
Anemones–hope
Lily of the Valley–happiness
Red an white roses–unity in love
Lilacs–youthful love
Pansies, forget-me-nots, white clover–special friendship

Origin of the Wedding Cake

The wedding cake has always been an important part of any wedding feast. Where or when it first originated cannot really be told since it is such an ancient custom. Among certain American Indian tribes, and among the Fiji Islanders, a bride offered her husband a cake of meal. The Romans broke a cake made of salted meal over the bride's head as a symbol of abundance, or fertility. Many people of various nations customarily dropped wheat, flour or cake upon the bride's head, then ate these offerings for good luck. The early Britons baked large baskets of small dry crackers for weddings, and every guest took one home–thus, the tradition of taking wedding cake home to "dream on." During the Middle Ages, it was traditional for the bride and groom to kiss over a pile of small cakes. The small cakes gradually increased in size and richness. Then an enterprising young baker decided to mass all these cakes together and cover them with frosting, thus the modern tiered wedding cake was born.

Cultural Customs

Every culture has its own charming wedding customs. Use your imagination and adapt one from the land of your ancestors. We've researched a few and a librarian will help you probe further.

Africa
"Mayst thou bear 12 children with him" is still the common salutation to brides in remote areas. Many tribes marry the couple by binding their wrists with plaited grass.

American Indian
The groom wraps a woolen blanket around the bride to symbolize love and protection.

Afro-American
On antebellum plantations, brides believed Tuesday and Wednesday weddings guaranteed them a good husband, long lives and happy days.

Bermuda
Newlyweds plant a small tree in their garden. As it grows and strengthens, it symbolizes their love.

Belgium
Brides carry a handkerchief embroidered with their name. After the ceremony, it's framed and displayed until the next family bride adds her name.

China
Two goblets of honey and wine are joined with a red ribbon–the centuries-old color of love and joy–and the couple exchange a drink of unity.

Czechoslovakia
Brides wear wreaths of rosemary for wisdom, love and loyalty.

England
A country bride and her wedding party walk to church on a carpet of blossoms to assure a happy path through life.

Finland
A bride once wore a golden crown during the ceremony. Later she was blindfolded while unmarried women danced around her. Whomever she crowned was predicted to be the next bride.

France
The bride and groom drink a reception toast from an engraved silver two-handled cup, called a "coupe de marriage," and pass it on to future generations.

Germany
On the eve of the wedding, friends of the bride smash pottery at her door. The loud noise is said to avert bad luck. To be sure of future bliss, the bride must sweep it up by herself.

Greece
Couples hold candles decorated with ribbons and flowers.

Holland
A bride and groom sit on thrones under an evergreen canopy–for everlasting love–during a pre-wedding party given by the family. One by one guests approach and offer good wishes.

India
The groom's brother sprinkles flower petals on the couple at conclusion of ceremony. Each family has prepared puffed rice, which is mixed during the ceremony for prosperity and fertility.

Iran
In Persian times, the groom bought ten yards of white sheeting to wrap around the bride as a wedding dress.

Ireland
December 31 is considered the luckiest day for weddings in the Ould Sod.

Italy
Since Roman times, couples have walked through the village passing out cakes and sweets.

Japan
The bride and groom take nine sips of sake, becoming husband and wife after the first sip.

Israel
For centuries, couples have had a marriage contract in the form of written vows, called a ketubbah, which is embellished by an artisan with bible verses and decorative borders symbolizing the home.

Lithuania
Parents of the couple serve them symbols of married life: wine for joy, salt for tears and bread for work.

Mexico
A white silk cord is draped around the couple's shoulders to indicate their union. Later, guests hold hands in a heart-shaped circle while the newlyweds dance in the center.

Philippines
A white silk cord custom is practiced here as well as in Mexico. All wedding expenses are met by the groom's family, who give the bride old coins symbolizing prosperity. The bride's family presents the newlyweds with a cash dowry.

Poland
Brides wear embroidered white aprons over their gowns. Guests discreetly tuck money into the pockets of the aprons.

Rumania
Wedding guests, other than family, receive gifts rather than give them.

Spain
Brides wear mantillas and orange blossoms in their hair. Grooms wear a tucked shirt hand-embroidered by the bride.

Sweden
Brides carry fragrant herb bouquets to frighten away trolls and grooms have thyme sewn into their wedding suits.

Switzerland
Junior bridesmaids lead the procession tossing colored handkerchiefs to the guests. Whoever catches one contributes money for the couple's nest egg.

U.S.A.
Early Americans gave the honeymooners posset, a hot drink of sweetened and spiced milk curdled with ale or wine, to keep up their energy.

Wales
Brides give attendants cuttings of aromatic myrtle. When one blooms, it foretells another wedding.

Traditions

Trinkets of gold and silver (sometimes quite valuable) are wrapped in waxed paper or foil and often baked in one tier of the bride's cake, or inserted from the bottom after baking. These are intended only for the bridal party–the bridesmaid's gifts are on the left, and groomsmen's are on the right.

Usually the bottom tier of the cake is used, and when the trinkets are placed inside, a marking such as an extra blossom bud, or a piece of white satin ribbon is used to indicate where the surprises are. Traditionally, the following "fortunes" are signified by each trinket:

For the bridesmaids: Wishbone–luck
Heart–romance
Cat–old maid
Ring–next to marry
Dime–fortune
Thimble or miniature scissors–industry

For the groomsmen: A button or dog–bachelor
A man's wedding ring–next to marry
Gold coin–money
Dice–luck

Origin of Tossing the Bouquet or Garter

Originally, it was not a bouquet, but a garter that was tossed. This custom of tossing the garter originated in 14^th Century France. For a time a stocking was tossed, but its removal was not easy or graceful. Finally some bride thought of tossing her bouquet and this custom has been followed ever since. Of course, to this day, the gal that catches the bouquet is predicted to be the next to marry, and the guy that catches the garter will be the next guy to get married!

Origin of the Honeymoon

The first marriages were by capture, not choice. When early man felt it was time to take a bride, he carried off an unwilling woman to a secret place where her parents or relatives wouldn't find them. While the moon went through all its phases–about 30 days–they hid from the searchers and drank a brew made from mead and honey. Therefore, we get the word honeymoon. Today, this has come to be a time for the couple to get away to relax and enjoy each other after the hectic schedule of preparing for the wedding.

This information is courtesy of http://www.ezweddingplanner.com

Name Change

How do I choose my name?

Traditionally, a bride always took her husband's name. It is actually a custom rather than a law. Today, many women have a greater sense of self-identity and/or possibly have built a professional reputation prior to their wedding, and thus, elect to retain their own last name. You do retain the same legal rights regardless of your choice. In fact, you have the legal right to use any name as long as you can show it wasn't changed for any illegal purposes.

Make your choice early. It is much easier to change it at the time of marriage than it is to change it later on.

SOME POINTS TO REMEMBER:

1. Maintain your own credit record. Although equal credit laws are on the books, you must do your part. If you keep your name on any credit cards, be sure they stay in your name if it's different.
2. Keep in mind that someday you may want to open your own business or co-sign a mortgage loan. Maintain your own bank and charge accounts. If you open joint accounts, insist that creditors keep separate credit files in each name.

RETAINING SINGLE NAME

1. Be sure to travel with a copy of your marriage certificate at all times. This can clarify any questions to the validity of your surname.
2. The easiest manner to follow is to use your married name socially, but your birth name professionally. Don't apologize to those who question you, but be gracious. You do have the right to decide how you shall be called.

USING BOTH NAMES:

1. It is a compromise of sorts when you use both names because you are retaining your single name and adding your husband's name (i.e. Mary Smith Doe).
2. A more complex name change is the hyphenated name (i.e. Mary Smith-Doe). In fact, some grooms are doing it too (i.e. John Doe-Smith or John Smith-Doe).

Today's business people are apt to assume a bride is retaining her single name. If you're making a change, it is a nice idea to send a card to associates to inform them of your decision.

Ms. Mary Smith
Announces she has adopted the surname of
Doe

Another idea is to enclose a card with your wedding invitation or mail one separately.

Mary Smith and John Doe
wish to announce that both
will be retaining their present names
for all legal and social purposes
after their marriage
June 15, 1988

Eventually, of course, people will learn your preference through word of mouth. This could be enhanced by your wedding announcement in the newspaper.

Following is a simple checklist for areas requiring a name change. They may require a copy of your marriage license with notification. You may want to check by phone before writing.

Driver's license
Car registration
Social Security
Voter's registration
Passport
Bank accounts
Credit cards
Insurance policies
School and/or employer's records
Post offices
Employment records
Pension plans
Stocks
Bonds
Property titles
Leases
Wills/Pre-nuptial contracts
Beneficiaries

Ceremony Music - Piano-Organ Duet Books

Ceremony Music - Piano-Organ Duet Books

Easy Wedding Duets	Arr. L. Smith	Lorenz
Organ And Piano Duets For Church	Arr. Setchell	R. D. Row
Schirmer's Album Of Organ And Piano Duets	Arr. Stickles	G. Schirmer

RECOMMENDED BOOKS  Organ and Piano Duets for Church   The Oxford Book of Wedding Music with pedals   Easy Standard Wedding Music for Organ (2-staff)   The Wedding Collection - 22 Preludes, Processionals and Recessionals for Piano or Organ [Sheet Music Book]   Classical Music for People Who Hate Classical Music 4 CDs

This information is courtesy of http://www.ezweddingplanner.com

Jottings

Is there a place within the wedding planner to keep track of attendants? I'm thinking of several different ways of arranging my attendants (including different numbers and people) and could use a place to keep track of who might be involved and my ideas.

 In EZ Wedding Planner under the Lists selection, there is one called Jottings. This is a place where you can keep track of anything - in free form text. This would be a good place for you to keep your ideas and general notes. Be sure to click on the gray SAVE bar before leaving this screen to be sure what you have entered is saved.

Jewish Wedding

THOUGHTS ON THE JEWISH WEDDING

"There is no such thing as a 'generic' Jewish wedding – no matter what the rabbi tells you, no matter what your mother tells you, no matter what the caterer tells you." – Anita Diamant, from The Jewish Wedding

Make Friends with a Rabbi

In today's mobile society, many people are not in a position to avail themselves of a "family" rabbi. Finding a rabbi is not as difficult as one might think. Wherever there is at least one synagogue, the local rabbi, cantor or administrator can help you.

The most important thing is finding a rabbi with whom you can be comfortable. This will depend on the rabbi's role in your marriage plans.

If you want a simple marriage facilitator, that is one thing. But if you want your rabbi to be more than an agent of civil and religious authority with whom you have an impersonal relationship, you must look for a good fit.

A rabbi should be able to advise you on any facet of your wedding plans, even if you are looking for a calligrapher, caterer, or musician. Most importantly, your rabbi can be a guide in the establishment of the new "house" within the people Israel, with all the religious, ethnic and sociological aspects this entails.

Beware of Labels

Rabbis should be chosen on the basis of expertise and sensitivity. There are many fine rabbis who serve in different branches of the Jewish faith. Choose a rabbi, not a label.

Working with Your Rabbi

No subject you wish to discuss is taboo. Your rabbi, however, will be most concerned with the following:

1. Are both marriage partners born of Jewish mothers or properly converted to Judaism?

2. In case of a second marriage, the rabbi will want to know if a proper religious divorce has nullified the marriage.

3. Some rabbis will want to know if the marriage is of a type prohibited by Jewish Law.

4. The rabbi will want to advise the couple on acceptable wedding dates. Besides the Sabbath (sundown Friday to sundown Saturday), fast days, and holy days, there are approximately 10 weeks on the calendar when it is traditional not to marry (approximately mid-April to early June, and late July). Most weddings are on Saturday evening after sundown or on Sunday.

Note – Many rabbis will not take part in an interfaith marriage ceremony. This is not to be taken personally. Intermarriage is not recognized in traditional circles. As a rule, Orthodox and Conservative rabbis will not perform interfaith marriages. Some, but not all Reform clergy will participate in interfaith ceremonies.

A Jewish Wedding List

Jewish weddings can be held anywhere a simple Huppah (canopy) can be set up. Generally, the wedding is held where the reception/feast will follow. In addition, the following ceremonial items need to be provided:

• A drawn, witnessed marriage contract

• Two witnesses recognized by Jewish Law

• Two wine goblets

• Kosher wine

• A carefully wrapped glass (the groom will smash it with his left foot at the end of the ceremony.)

• A single, plain wedding band (which the groom will present to the bride in the course of the ceremony.)

• Enough skullcaps (Kippot) for the men in the wedding party and invited guests. In Conservative and Orthodox ceremonies, all the men are required to cover their heads with either yarmulkes or silk top hats. The women also cover their heads with hats or kerchiefs. Ask the rabbi of head-covering requirements in a Reform ceremony.

Note – Double ring ceremonies are not recognized in traditional circles. In all cases, do not be afraid to ask the rabbi what they will permit.

The Jewish Wedding in Action

You may choose to have a rabbi/cantor duo performing your wedding, where the cantor chants the wedding blessings. You may also divide the service between two rabbis.

Traditionally, the bride's guests sit on the right side and the groom's guests sit on the left side, as you face the altar. If one side has many more guests than the other, everyone may sit together. Grandparents and siblings sit in the first pews. If parents are divorced and remarried, their spouses sit in the second and third pews.

The wedding procession makes its way to the canopy where the rabbi usually waits. Both the bride's father and her mother escort her down the aisle (bride on father's right arm, her mother's left). In traditional weddings, the groom's parents escort him down the aisle. In simple weddings, it's optional for the groom's parents and the bride's mother to join the procession. Processional music is not a religious requirement.

In a formal procession the order is as follows:

• Rabbi and cantor (on Rabbi's right)
• Bride's grandparents
• Groom's grandparents
• Ushers in pairs by height
• Best man
• Groom and his parents
• Bridesmaids individually by height
• Honor attendant(s)
• Flower girl and ring bearer
• Bride and her parents

All parents and attendants remain standing under or at the side of the canopy throughout the ceremony. This intimacy and sense of community goes hand in hand with the "new house" that is being established under the wedding canopy.

In very traditional weddings, the bride circles her groom seven times as both mothers hold the train of her dress. In Hebrew Scripture it is written, "And when a man takes a wife" seven times. Seven is the number of completion - the number of days it took God to create the universe. Or, the bride may walk three times around her groom (the Bible mentions betrothal three times; a husband has three obligations to his wife - food, clothing, conjugal relations).

In a formal recessional the order is as follows:

• Bride and groom
• Bride's parents (mother on father's left arm)
• Groom's parents
• Flower girl and ring bearer (girl on boy's left)
• Honor attendant on best man's left arm
• Bridemaids on usher's left arms
• Rabbi and cantor (cantor on rabbi's left)

The Wedding Ceremony

The blessing of betrothal are recited, followed by a sip from the first cup of wine. Many holy acts in the Jewish faith are consecrated over wine.

The groom presents a plain ring to his bride and makes the following declaration:

"Be betrothed to me with this ring according to the law of Moses and Israel."

In Conservative and Orthodox ceremonies, the ring is placed on the bride's right index finger and in Reform ceremonies, the ring is placed on the bride's left ring finger.

In accepting this simple item of recognizable value in the presence of witnesses, the bride is betrothed to her husband. After the ceremony a more elaborate ring can be substituted.

Now the Ketubah (marriage contract certificate) is read aloud. In it a couple's mutual obligations under Jewish law are spelled out. It is signed by witnesses and not by the couple themselves. The rabbi then delivers his message and personal blessing to the couple.

The ceremony concludes with the recitation of seven wedding blessings, a sip from the second cup of wine and the breaking of a glass. The wine glass is wrapped in a cloth or handkerchief and placed on the ground. The groom stamps down and breaks the glass. The reason for this custom is based on the belief that as long as the world is not redeemed, there cannot be total joy. The shattering of glass is a recognition of the imperfection that exists in the world. It is also a symbol of our lives. Life is fragile like glass and whatever time is allotted to us must be used well. Some believe that it is also a reminder of the destruction of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, and of other calamities that befell the Jewish people that should not be forgotten, even during the joyous occasion of this wedding.

With the ceremony now complete, all somberness is banished from thought. On with the festivities!

Who Pays?

In the "good old days" the bride's family assumed all costs except the liquor, flowers and photography. Today, expenses are often negotiated. See the EZ Wedding Planner topic on Paying for Expenses for some suggestions.

Invitations

Inclusion of both sets of parents' names is standard. Often a facing page of Hebrew translation is incorporated. This requires a caligrapher or a printer with typesetting capabilities.

Jewish Sources

How-to-Books

Diamant, Anita, The Jewish Wedding. New York: Summit Books, 1985.

Siegel, Richard, Strassfeld, Sharon & Michael, Editors. The First Jewish Catalogue. Philadelphia: The Jewish Publication Society of America, 1973.

Directories of Goods & Services for the American Jewish Community

Strassfeld, Sharon & Michael, Editors. The Second Jewish Catalogue. Philadelphia: The Jewish Publication Society of America, 1976. (Features: "Yellow Pages" which are periodically updated.)

Tillem, Ivan, Editor. The Jewish Directory and Almanac. New York: Pacific Press, 1986.

Music Sources (send for catalogues)

Velvel Pasternak
Tara Publications
29 Derby Ave.
Cedarhurst, NY 11516

Transcontinental Music Publications
838 5^th Avenue
New York, NY 10021