Questions Most Commonly Asked

QUESTIONS MOST COMMONLY ASKED

What do we do if our parents are divorced?

Although this can be an awkward moment for everyone, the most important point to remember is in considering everybody's feelings. The approach depends upon your relationship with the entire family – parents and stepparents. Communication is the solution. Discuss your feelings with them and listen to their objections. Each situation is unique. Try to remain sensitive and then proceed with arrangements that allow everyone to participate with grace. Keep in mind that you cannot change the divorce, and the success of your wedding is your ultimate goal.

Consider who is sponsoring the wedding. If they are absolutely unwilling to be civil, you must simply keep them apart. Most often, they will overlook their feelings for the sake of your feelings and your wedding day.

The reception is more relaxed and less structured. Most seating arrangements can be dealt with at this level as everyone is more at ease. The ceremony is much more delicate and therefore guidelines for seating will reduce the amount of anxiety or tension.

If your parents are divorced, but not remarried, if they are congenial, they might sit together in the left front row at Christian weddings; women sit on the left and men on the right at Jewish ceremonies. Otherwise your mother sits in the left front pew and your father sits in the third row on the left side. (This is also an individual decision.)

When each parent has remarried, your mother sits in the customary place with her husband, and your father sits with his wife in the third left-hand row.

If you happen to be living with your father and stepmother who are sponsoring the wedding, they sit in the front row. Then your mother and stepfather, as honored guests, sit in the third left-hand row.

If your brother or uncle is taking the place of your absent father, he sits with your mother. The same would apply to anyone substituting for your mother.

Seat your groom's divorced parents in identical position, but in the right-hand rows.

What do we do if this is a second marriage?

A second wedding should not appear to be duplicating or competing with the first. When both the bride and groom remarry, the ceremony is traditionally small and informal with the bride and her party dressed in elegant, but not formal "bridal" attire. This is not always followed. Many couples who are remarrying have a much more monumental wedding. They may even include their children in the actual ceremony, which is actually quite healthy when reuniting the "family" unit. Also, it helps to include them rather than give them the feeling of exclusion and insecurity.

If one of you is marrying for the first time, a traditional wedding is probably the answer. However, compromise is often the key and communication the means to achieve your decision. Usually, in a remarriage, the couples are paying for the wedding themselves so financial guidelines will dictate the type of wedding you will have.

Be sure to consult with your church and clergy-person regarding a second marriage. You must be sure to realize that some churches/denominations are reluctant to marry divorced persons. This may also direct you in the type of wedding you will have.

What roles do the stepchildren play?

It is recommended that you ask your children their preference and opinion regarding the wedding. The children should be made to feel like an important member of the new family. Keep them informed of your plans from the very beginning.

These decisions depend upon the child's age. If they are too young or the wedding will be small, give each child a variety of responsibilities to fulfill. Some ideas are: filling the champagne glasses, cutting the cake and serving, assisting the guests in signing the guest book, checking coats, and also to participate in the church service itself.

How do I choose my name?

Traditionally, a bride always took her husband's name. It is actually a custom rather than a law. Today, many women have a greater sense of self-identity and/or possibly have built a professional reputation prior to their wedding, and thus, elect to retain their own last name. You do retain the same legal rights regardless of your choice. In fact, you have the legal right to use any name as long as you can show it wasn't changed for any illegal purposes.

Make your choice early. It is much easier to change it at the time of marriage than it is to change it later on.

SOME POINTS TO REMEMBER:

1. Maintain your own credit record. Although equal credit laws are on the books, you must do your part. If you keep your name on any credit cards, be sure they stay in your name if it's different.
2. Keep in mind that someday you may want to open your own business or co-sign a mortgage loan. Maintain your own bank and charge accounts. If you open joint accounts, insist that creditors keep separate credit files in each name.

RETAINING SINGLE NAME

1. Be sure to travel with a copy of your marriage certificate at all times. This can clarify any questions to the validity of your surname.
2. The easiest manner to follow is to use your married name socially, but your birth name professionally. Don't apologize to those who question you, but be gracious. You do have the right to decide how you shall be called.

USING BOTH NAMES:

1. It is a compromise of sorts when you use both names because you are retaining your single name and adding your husband's name (i.e. Mary Smith Doe).
2. A more complex name change is the hyphenated name (i.e. Mary Smith-Doe). In fact, some grooms are doing it too (i.e. John Doe-Smith or John Smith-Doe).

Today's business people are apt to assume a bride is retaining her single name. If you're making a change, it is a nice idea to send a card to associates to inform them of your decision.

Ms. Mary Smith
Announces she has adopted the surname of
Doe

Another idea is to enclose a card with your wedding invitation or mail one separately.

Mary Smith and John Doe
wish to announce that both
will be retaining their present names
for all legal and social purposes
after their marriage
June 15, 1988

Eventually, of course, people will learn your preference through word of mouth. This could be enhanced by your wedding announcement in the newspaper.

Following is a simple checklist for areas requiring a name change. They may require a copy of your marriage license with notification. You may want to check by phone before writing.

Driver's license
Car registration
Social Security
Voter's registration
Passport
Bank accounts
Credit cards
Insurance policies
School and/or employer's records
Post offices
Employment records
Pension plans
Stocks
Bonds
Property titles
Leases
Wills/Pre-nuptial contracts
Beneficiaries

If I am an older bride, can I still follow tradition?

Simply stated, yes. Your wedding is as special as any other. Plan it in your very own style. Your biggest advantage is that you and he have been on your own for many years and you'll probably be paying your own wedding expenses; therefore, you won't have any obligation to consult with or compromise with others. You may decide to forgo some of the less dignified social practices, but your "bridal" attire is strictly up to you.

What is the customary process for reaffirming your vows?

If you married in haste and later regret that you missed all the ceremony and celebration, all you have to do is retrace your steps and start over again. Renew those vows or have a special blessing in a very nice church setting with all the necessary trimmings…including a big reception. This idea is becoming a popular idea for a wedding anniversary, perhaps a silver or golden. Many times the couple's children and grandchildren participate in the ceremony. An indication of this can be a part of the anniversary invitation as well.

How do we choose our home . . . your place, my place?

The ideal solution is our place. This usually means someplace neutral. If this is not possible, give thought to some simple redecorating or remodeling that could be done to one place or the other. If there are children involved, that must be given first consideration (i.e. schools, playmates, security, etc.). And of course, financial abilities must also be considered.

Trying to merge two households requires much patience any way you look at it. After years of making your own decisions, two independent people pledge to share their life together. It takes more than love to make a successful merger. It requires a great deal of tolerance, negotiation, and mutual respect. Communication is always important, and with enough compromise you will reach a decision that allows you both to be comfortable.

This may also be the best time to draw up an inventory, listing every piece. Compare items, combine, and dispose of what is not needed. This is perfect for insurance purposes as well as personal records. Those items which you don't need can be sold, given to family or given to a charitable organization. And, anything that you cannot decide what to do with…well, just simply toss a coin.

Do we need a marriage contract?

A marriage contract is something to consider if you need to define or express differently any right in your marriage that is customarily taken for granted. Many states are now community property states. Consult a lawyer beforehand. As unromantic as this may sound, a marriage contract can serve as a good format to begin on, paving the way to a healthier, happier future. You will find that the Jewish weddings have implied this for centuries.